Now we know why Barack Obama and Donald Trump looked so uncomfortable in their first meeting at the White House.

According to the Wall Street Journal: “Mr Obama walked his successor through the duties of running the country, and Mr Trump seemed surprised by the scope.”

Even Trump’s aides – who are supposed to be the experts here – were “unaware the entire presidential staff… had to be replaced”, it added.

After what must have been an epic facepalm, “Mr Obama realised the Republican needs more guidance. He plans to spend more time with his successor than presidents typically do”.

So what might that “guidance” be like? Here’s the first, imagined phone call between the two…

“Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?” (Photo: Getty)

*War of the Worlds theme rings out*

“Hi Donald.”

“Oh hi Barack! How did you know it was me?”

“You have a special ring tone.”

“Oh COOL! Is it All The Single Ladies?”


“Is it that Robin Thicke one?”

“No. Look, anyway how are things going? I know we agreed you could have my number and call if you needed any guidance but it’s day one, Donald. Aren’t you busy settling into the Oval Office?”

A bald eagle pecks at presidential candidate Donald Trump during a photo shoot for TIME magazine
If you didn’t have a fluffy bunny on your head the eagle wouldn’t peck it, Donald

“Not really, Barack. There’s a damn great eagle in here and I.T. haven’t given me a password to log on yet. Where are you anyway?”

“Hawaii. Where I was born. Remember?”

“Oh yeah. Hey, remember that wall I was going to build? I got some bricks! And a cement mixer! From the same people who built Trump Tower.”

“Weren’t they allegedly mob fronts? Who allegedly protected your construction site from a city-wide strike for reasons no-one can fathom?”

“Yeah! Same guys!”

TRUMP FTW (Photo: Comedy Central)

“You’re going to need very big pre-cast slabs of concrete to build that wall, Donald.”

“OK that’s what we’ll do. Make ’em and drive ’em down and then stand them all in a row.”

“You would need slabs about 40ft high and 10inches thick, that would be planted 7ft in the ground. It’s uneconomic to move them thousands of miles. You’d have to make the slabs near the wall.”

“Sure, sure. We can do that. New jobs. The best jobs. Make America Great Again!”

“You don’t understand Donald. Concrete is made from aggregate you have to quarry. There aren’t enough quarries for that near the Mexican border. The nearest concrete facility is in fact Mexican.”


“And before you ask Donald, a fence has lots of the same problems” (Photo: Getty)

“And because a lot of the border is inaccessible desert and mountains you’d have to build some roads to get the work crews out there. And then dig 7ft into rock to put the slabs in, put some razor wire on the top, cameras, staffing. The total cost is projected to be $15bn.”

“We’re going to borrow lots of money though. Make America Indebted Again!”

“Donald, you can do that. You can borrow some money. And you’re going to have to spend quite a lot of it on concrete and on recruiting a LOT more border guards because those guys all get pensions, you know.”

“I know this! I know this! That’s so we can deport all the migrants I got people worried about, isn’t it?”

“That’s right Donald, that’s what you said. You wanted to deport 11m people. More recently you said it’s 2m to 3m, so I’m not sure how many you want to deport now.”

Donald Trump
“Uh. Some? Dunno.” (Photo: Getty)

“As many as we can, Barack. DRAIN THAT SWAMP.

“OK Donald, 2m would mean 1,369 deportations a day, 365 days a year, throughout your term of office. That would need a lot of immigration officials, two jumbo jets a day, a suspension of the legal appeals process and removing the entire bottom tier of the US economy. No gardeners, no nannies, no garbagemen, no fruit pickers.”

“Well we can give those jobs to Americans!”

“Yes you can. But it would also mean fewer cars being bought, fewer goods and services, a lower tax take and probably a few more vigilante groups rounding immigrants up ‘to be helpful’, so probably some criminal justice costs too. Oh and all the decent baristas would be in Cuba.”

“My head hurts, Barack.”

“Mine hurt every day for eight years, Donald. Mainly because I kept hitting the desk with it whenever some dumbass on Twitter said my birth certificate was a fake.”

Jacob Philadelphia, 5, center, the son of a White House staff member, touches President Barack Obama's hair to see if it feels like his
“Please, someone make it better” (Photo: Pete Souza/The White House/eyevine)

“Whatever. Hey you know that Chinese guy?”

“Which Chinese guy? In the canteen?”

“No, no, the one in China.”

“There’s a lot of Chinese guys in China, Donald.”

“The one in charge. The boss. I’m going to really piss him off and put 45% tax on everything he sends over here! Great, huh?”

“Is that a good idea Donald?”

“It’s a great idea! It’s one of mine! Everyone says it’s the best idea EVER.

“That would start a global trade war with every nation raising or lowering tariffs in order to attract the best goods and services, with knock-on economic effects for the Earth’s 6bn inhabitants, diplomacy and global conflict, Donald.”

“Well Nigel liked it” (Photo: Twitter / Nigel Farage)

“Well, OK, OK, all right then how about this? I’m going to make it easier for people to access and pay for two- and four-year technical and vocational college courses so they can all get better jobs.”

“That’s a great idea Donald.”

“It is? You think so? WOW. I totally like thought Ivanka was stupid when she suggested it.”

“Are you going to do it while you’re in court defending Trump University against allegations of fraud by taking money for a course about your business secrets that didn’t actually reveal any?”

“Huh. Knew it was a dumb idea, I TOLD her. Anyway guess what guess what guess WHAT.


“I got Vladimir coming for a sleepover!”

“We’re gon’ shoot stuff!”

“That’s great Donald. He didn’t want to come over when I lived there.”

“Ha! I knew it. I’m so much more popular than you. LOSER.

“I won more votes than you. Twice. Even Hillary got more votes than you and you told everyone she’s a witch.”

“Well me and Vlad are like best buds now. We’re going to fight ISIS.”

“And how are you going to do that, Donald?”

“We’re going to shoot all the guys with beards and not let any guys with beards into the country because they’re so like backward.”

U.S. President Barack Obama (2nd L) and Vice President Joe Biden (L), along with members of the national security team, receive an update on the mission against Osama bin Laden in the Situation Room of the White House, May 1, 2011
“Kapow! Bang! Phhhhzzzphaw!” (Photo: Pete Souza/The White House)

“Have you ever met any Amish people Donald? You should get up to Pennsylvania and say hi.”

“Hey Barack what’s that thing under your desk?”

“What thing? The waste paper basket?”

“No, no, the thing, the thing under the desk.”

“The carpet? The chair? The plug socket?”

“The red thing.”


President Barack Obama runs down the East Colonnade with family dog "Bo"
RUN AWAY (Photo: Pete Souza/The White House)

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. How about your tax cuts? How’s that going?”

“Oh I’m going to give a multi-billion dollar tax break to billionaires.”

“I’m sure that’s not what you promised Donald.”

“Oh yeah I said the middle classes but it’ll be billionaires too, so that’s cool. And corporations. And I’m going to close bits of the internet that ISIS uses. And scrap most of your dumb doctors and nurses thing. And, and, and I’m going to keep Guantanamo Bay open and send Hillary there.”

“Oh right. Hey Donald, guess what I just worked out?”

It all sounds LOVELY (Photo: Getty)


“It sounds like America is going to have a big wall to keep people apart, no money, a thriving black market economy, mobsters, little contact with the outside world, perks only for those who can afford it, and internet censorship. There might even be some white supremacists in there. You know where else is just like that?”

“No, where?”

“Supermax jail, Donald. You’re putting America in jail.”

“No, I’m just going to put the webby guy in jail.”

“Is that because he hasn’t given you a password yet?”

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump speaks to a caller
“Whaddya mean I won’t be able to log on? How can I blow stuff up if I don’t log on?” (Photo: Getty)

“No the other guy. The guy in the webby stuff.”

“You’re going to have to help me out. Where did you see him?”

“He’s in the corridor. He runs after me all the time. He’s got webs all over his clothes. And there’s this guy with pointy ears on a mask, and some dude in blue pantyhose is drinking whisky in the kitchen.”

“That’s Spiderman, Batman and Superman, Donald. You can’t put them in jail. They’re the good guys. Well, Superman will be better in a bit.”

“They keep chasing me!”

“That’s their job, Donald. Without superheroes America would have pretty much nothing else going for it.”

President Obama gets caught in Spider-Man's web
You got the wrong president, Spidey (Photo: Peter Souza/Twitter)

“Oh yeah? How about the French toast?”

“That’s French, Donald.”

“The cars?”


“Our iPhones!”

“Made in China.”

“DAMMIT, BARACK. This is so HARD.”

“I know, man. That’s partly why we have a year and a half of presidential hustings so we get the absolute best candidates who know their stuff. Something must’ve gone wrong this time.”

“Yeah well guess what, I’m only going to get paid $1 for this job.”

“I heard that. Is that on top of the corporation tax breaks, billionaire tax breaks and inevitable financial scandals?”

“Screw you, Barack. I don’t need your ‘guidance’. I totally know what I’m doing. I’m going to make America great again!”

“Are you spelling that G-R-E-A-T or G-R-A-T-E?”

“You’re FIRED Barack.”

“We’ve been over this. You can’t fire someone whose contract expired.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot. Hey Barack?”


“Can I call you tomorrow?”


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