Okay, so you’ve decided you want to be a UKIP activist but you aren’t quite sure how to start?  Well, we’re right here to help you with our Ten Step Easy Guide.  Hold onto your hat.

Step 1:  “I’m not racist but…”
We call this a paragraph primer.  You can drop it in front of any paragraph to make everything you say thereafter palatable to even the most Guardian-esque audience.  It’s  a good idea, if you think you might be about to get into your racist groove, to bring this paragraph primer into play in order to protect yourself.  We suggest dosing your conversation liberally with it just to be sure.
“I’m not racist but … have you noticed that everybody from Egypt wants to eat babies?”

Step 2:  “LibLabCon …”
This useful term of casual derision is a vital tool in your arsenal.  It is a simple way to devalue anything that anybody says by suggesting that they are all saying the same thing.  Remember, it doesn’t matter how different the things they are saying actually are.  All that matters is that you can stop them in their tracks by calling them LibLabCon, of THE LibLabCon if you want to add some real menace to it.
‘Kipper: “I’m canvassing on behalf of UKIP…”
Person: “Oh good, hello!  I wanted to ask you about your policies on housing and education?”
‘Kipper: “LIBLABCON!  Alert! Alert! LIBLABCON!”

Step 3:  “Free speech.”
You are entitled to this and should make sure you tell people at every opportunity, even if they haven’t challenged your right to free speech in any way.  The simple reminder of your rights is enough to make it look like they were trying to silence you and to give you time to get your racist groove on.  (See (1) above.)
Person: “You can’t go that way sir, it’s No Entry.”
‘Kipper: “How dare you challenge my free speech?”

Step 4:  “People power.”
This rather useful term allows you to claim you are a Man of The People regardless of how horrible the things you are saying might be.  Remember – people power only applies to the things you approve of.  Any other sort of People People, for instance something you do not approve of, should be dealt with by demanding Free Speech (see (3) above) or by calling your opponent The LibLabCon (see (2) above.)  See how these steps can be used together for greater effect?
Person:  “The Council are minded to turn down the wind turbine proposal.”
‘Kipper:  “People power!”

Person:  “But the local Green Party activists are campaigning for them to be passed.”
‘Kipper:  “LIBLABCON!  Alert! Alert! LIBLABCON!”

Step 5:  “I have a foreign friend.”
This goes hand-in-hand with Step 1.  Just in case you are talking to some really liberal ass who wouldn’t know a Sunni from a Tamil, you can remind them that you have some slight acquaintance with somebody who isn’t “from here” and so, obviously, it’s all good.  It doesn’t even have to be true.  In fact, it is better if it is not true, since that would allow an investigative person to find out that you employed them on the black market or something.  No pun intended.
Person:  “You can’t just going calling people the N word, sir.”
‘Kipper:  “I have a foreign friend.”
Person:  “Oh, that’s alright then. Go right ahead with your offensive racist language.”

Step 6:  “Rough Diamond.”
Seriously.  You can call somebody the ill-begotten Son of a donkey and refer to their relatives as Bingo Bongo Bangos and as long as you have one or two friends who are prepared to say that you didn’t mean it because you are a “rough diamond” with a heart of gold, all will be forgiven.  You’ll need to start making some friends to be your support network for this one.  I know, I know.  Friends, who needs ‘em?  But in this case – you do.
Person:  “I saw him.  He leapt over the table, grabbed her by the throat, lifted her off the floor and then shook her like a rag doll.”
‘Kipper:  “He doesn’t mean anything by it.  He’s a rough diamond.”

Step 7:  “I agree!”
Since you will have virtually no policies of any significance, and the ones you do have will be subject to change on a whim from Nigel Farage, Douglas Carswell, or any number of other non-Nigel-or-Douglas bureaucrats from the Dark Tower Of Power, you’re going to need to appropriate some from elsewhere.  The easiest way to do this is just to agree with whatever anybody says, wants or proposes.  Particularly if they can potentially vote for you.  Even more particularly if you aren’t being recorded and can deny it later.   Which leads us to…

Step 8:  Plausible Deniability
Look, you are a UKIP activist.  Sooner or later you are going to say something really, really, really stupid.  So be prepared to deny, deny, deny.  It doesn’t matter who heard you say it.  I doesn’t matter if it was recorded live on the BBC (they are just LibLabCons anyway) or if a prize-winning journalist captured it on their mobile phone.  We live in an age where technology can fake things.  Deny, deny, deny.  And if in doubt call in the Rough Diamond support network (See step (6))
Police Officer:  “There were nine witnesses saw you do it, Sir.”
‘Kipper:  “Wasn’t there.”

Step 9:  Gay Power
You aren’t going to be a big fan of the gay community.  You probably think they are all sent by Satan to ruin the Earth, or something.  But you will need at least one gay friend with you, in case the weather turns while you are out campaigning.  Super-powers are super-powers, after all.

Step 10:  Women
You will definitely need a good wife.  When you get home at the end of the day, you want to be sure that dinner is ready, that your slippers are warm and that it is properly spotless behind the fridge.  Also, when the press are phoning you at every hour wanting to know why you said whatever it is that you said – you’ll need somebody to answer for you and say: “I’m sorry, he’s not here right now,” while you hide in the basement.
‘Kipper:  “Hi honey I’m home!  I hope that’s good English food I can smell, and not any of that foreign muck.”
‘Kipper’s Wife:  “It’s Chicken Tikka and rice.”
‘Kipper:  “Perfect.”

Freebie Step 11:  Libertarian & Democratic
Since we here at “Guides to Do” want to offer you good value, here’s an eleventh step at no extra charge.  You should regularly refer to the party and yourself as both Libertarian and Democratic.  If you don’t know what these terms mean, that’s fine, you’ll be in good company.  You can tell everybody how Libertarian you are while simultaneously preventing the free movement of people, telling them what to put in their bodies and what not to, telling them who they can marry and who they can’t, supporting taxation and welfare spending, demanding that they require licences from the State for even the most mundane activities.  You can tell them how democratic you are, while simultaneously damning every political party that isn’t you.  Bloody LibLabCon.

Freebie Step 12:  Common Sense
Anything you think and others do not agree with is “Common Sense.”  UKIP are the party of this sort of very personal brand of Common Sense.  Be proud.

Kent lives in the big city, where he has worked as both a photographer and a journalist, if you are willing to accept dreamscapes as evidence of employment.